And Think of England
by featherxquill
Summary: "So, when do I get to wear the cock?" Gill asks. She has no idea what a complicated question that is, or what they might learn about each other as they answer it.


**Author's Notes:** Written as a Valentine's Day gift for the s &b femslash contingent and cross-posted here a tiny bit late. My thanks to Aubry, Arwen and Ana for sundry pre-publishing duties. I don't know if this fic needs any content warnings as such but I tagged it on ao3 with 'queer lady sexual politics', 'strap-ons' and 'relationship negotiation', so do with that what you will.

* * *

Gill collapsed, breathless and boneless, against the covers, head falling so heavily against the pillow that she sank into it down to her ears.

" _Oh,_ " she gasped as Julie landed heavily atop her, but she didn't protest, didn't do anything but curl her hand around Julie's back and cling as they both hung there, dangling on the moment, hot and spent and exhausted.

It was only a moment. No doubt even more aware of the faint buzzing than Gill was of the suddenly less comfortable rigidity inside her, Julie reached down as soon as she'd got her breath back and switched the thing off. She shifted her hips so it slipped out of Gill and settled so it came to rest against the crease of Gill's thigh, taking some of her weight onto her side as well even as she stayed above Gill, covering her, just the way Gill liked.

"Mm," Gill murmured, language not quite returned, reaching up to slide her fingers into Julie's hair and rake it back over her head, gazing up at the face hovering above hers, cheeks all flushed pink and eyes liquid-warm, mouth twisted in a lopsided smile. "Mm," she hummed again, feeling her own smile answer, and Julie laughed and kissed her.

"Rather like being able to reduce you to whimpers," Julie murmured, shifting her hips so Gill felt the toy – _Julie's cock_ – slide along her hipbone.

"I like it too," Gill managed, voice barely a breath, throat dry.

Julie laughed again. "Water?" she asked, and Gill nodded, almost regretting the response when it meant that Julie moved away from her, rising to reach for the glass on the bedside table. Gill was pushing herself up a moment later, though, half-sitting to take it from Julie's hand. Gratefully, she swallowed a few mouthfuls, then handed the glass back so Julie could do the same. As she drank, Gill slipped her hand down to Julie's hip, reaching for the buckles on the harness.

"Want this off you," she said, voice stronger now that her throat was wet. "Want you close."

Swallowing, Julie murmured her agreement, returning the now empty glass to the stand as Gill unclipped the buckles on her right hip. She reached for the left side herself, catching the harness as it came loose and dropping it over the side of the bed.

They settled again, then, returning to the covers and lying there skin to skin, Julie with a leg draped lazily over Gill's body and an arm curled across her chest. Gill murmured contentedly, twisting her shoulders and curling into the embrace, greedy for the warmth of Julie's body and the sense of safety she always felt encircled in Julie's arms.

Gazing at Julie's face again, Gill found her looking drowsy and content, head resting on her hand and eyes half-closed. Gill knew it wouldn't trouble her at all to fall asleep just like that, and although Gill also knew she'd had a long day, she wasn't quite willing to lose her to sleep just yet – not least because she was almost impossible to rouse once she went, and they weren't actually under the covers just yet.

"Love you," she murmured, breaking Julie's stupor and watching her rouse herself. "That was…" And there she let her voice trail off into another contented murmur and watched Julie smile. They didn't really need verbal affirmations at this point – Gill had learned a lot about what she liked about being with a woman, and Julie knew it well.

"Always greedy, you," Julie said, smiling, emanating smug pleasure. "Love fucking you." Her thumb stroked Gill's shoulder.

"Love your cock," Gill replied, feeling cheeky. She always found it vaguely thrilling to say things like that, felt naughty and adventurous. She knew it wasn't, not really, that things like strap-ons weren't particularly unusual when both partners were women, but sex with Julie was consistently more exciting than any she'd ever had with a man. Perhaps it was the memory of the routine missionary she'd often settled for when she was married, tired and familiar with a man who, in retrospect, had clearly been saving his best self for his extra-marital dalliances. Or perhaps it was the thrill of rediscovering herself in her fifties, of – occasional trysts aside – having a female partner for the first time, suddenly learning all these new things about herself and about what sex could be when there were fewer social scripts dictating what it _should_ be. Or maybe it was just Julie in general, the particular blend of familiar and new Gill felt with her, her intrinsic care and devotion and the way she approached everything with humour. Whatever the cause, Gill certainly felt more alive and vital with Julie than she had for a very long time.

She didn't want it to end. Didn't want to know if things could ever become tired and routine between them, was determined that she would keep being adventurous and learning new things for as long as they were possible to learn. With that in mind, she slipped her hand onto Julie's waist and leaned in to nibble at her throat, trailing her tongue up to the base of Julie's ear and then whispering into it:

"So, when do I get to wear the cock?"

Julie chuckled, deep-bellied and warm, and Gill was expecting a response like she'd got to many of her other queries – _whenever you like, love_ or _any time you're ready_ – but this time Julie didn't follow the laugh with words, it just hung there, a ripple of amusement and then silence.

Gill pulled back a little, just enough so Julie could see her face, see that the question was a genuine one. Julie was smiling, but her expression faltered a little when she saw Gill's. She seemed to hold her humour about her, though, as she tapped her fingers against Gill's skin and gave her head the tiniest of shakes. "I don't, really," she said.

Gill felt her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "Don't what?" she asked.

Julie's amusement faded as she seemed to think about her response. At length, she said, "I don't really like being on the receiving end. I like wearing it, but I don't think… Maybe it's a lesbian thing."

"But you…" Gill started, confused, leaning back slightly as she struggled to get her head around what Julie was saying. "You don't mind the others." They had a few toys now, one Gill's and two Julie's, as well as a few they'd bought together, and Julie always seemed to rather enjoy having those used on her.

Julie shrugged. "That's different," she said.

Gill pulled away completely now, pushed herself up into a sitting position, suddenly uneasy and not entirely sure why. "Different how?" she asked.

Julie sat up as well. "I don't know. They're not cocks?" She waved a hand. "I don't think of you using other toys as me _being fucked_ , but if you were wearing it I think I would."

 _Not…?_ Gill arched an eyebrow, thought they were rapidly approaching the reason for her discomfort. "And that would be a _bad_ thing?" she asked, hearing her voice come out a challenge.

Julie reacted to it, eyes flashing with anger before dropping to the bedcovers, mouth pressing into a line. "It wouldn't be _my_ thing," she said, picking at a rumple in the duvet.

"Why not?" Gill asked, feeling as though her hackles were rising but trying to keep them down, uncertain if her sudden offense was justified or not.

Julie sighed. "It just… It would feel wrong."

"Wrong," Gill echoed, voice cool. "Wrong how?"

Julie's shoulders curled in, cagey. "Like…" she said, but didn't continue, and her inability to answer pushed Gill's irritation from dormant to active.

"Wrong like dirty?" she asked, temper flaring. "Wrong like being fucked by a man?"

Julie flinched, face contorting like she'd just watched someone rip a toenail off. "I don't...want to put it that way," she said, but the response was weak and unsatisfactory.

Gill could feel those hackles now, heat spreading out across her shoulders and rising up her neck. "But that's what you mean," she said, chest tight. "Being, what? Being penetrated by someone is somehow nasty, would make you less somehow. But it's fine for me?"

Julie looked pained. "It's different for you," she said.

"Why?" Gill asked. "Because I have slept with men? Because I'm already tainted?"

Julie twisted her hands, almost twisted her whole body, more uncomfortable than Gill had ever seen her before. "It's just," she said, then met Gill's gaze again. "Look. It's just something some lesbians don't like, that feeling." As if that was all that needed to be said.

Gill wasn't having it. " _What_ feeling?" she demanded.

"Having someone–" her hands flailed "–inside them. I can't… I don't want to insult you by trying to describe it."

"Bit late for _that_ ," Gill said. "The fact that you think it _is_ insulting is enough. What…?" She trailed off, struggling to find words for how offended she was, how wrong it felt to be discussing sex this way. How regressive, how nasty. She decided to try framing her thoughts as a question. "Is that how you think of it when you're _doing_ the fucking? Does it feel like you're doing something degrading? Like you're somehow taking something from me? Owning me?" The thought made her feel ill.

"No!" Julie exclaimed, horrified, pink in the cheeks. "No, never. I don't think of it that way at all."

Gill felt at least a little mollified by the genuine horror in Julie's expression, but she was still far from satisfied by this conversation. She made a conscious effort to relax her shoulders before she spoke again. "How _do_ you feel when you're wearing it, then?"

Julie glanced down at the bedcovers, back up again. "Powerful? Strong, in charge, like I can _give_ you something, not like I'm taking."

Giving. That did admittedly square far more with how Julie was as a lover, but it was still difficult to understand why, thinking of it like that, she'd be so against the idea of being on the receiving end.

"Don't you think I'd like to feel like that, some of the time?" Gill asked, calmer now.

Julie was quiet for a moment. "You're curious," she said.

"Of course I am," Gill replied. How was that even a question?

Julie continued. "And you want me to do something I'm not comfortable with just to satisfy that?"

It was Gill's turn to be horrified, though she'd walked right into that. "No! No, of course I don't. I just…" She turned her head away, bit her lip, feeling the wiry itch of frustration at how hard she found it to articulate all this. She always thought she was learning well until she had to discuss something _complicated_ and queer.

How did _she_ feel when Julie fucked her with the strap-on, she wondered. What made it different? What made it good?

"When you wear the cock," she tried, just speaking, trusting her voice to articulate it as she went, "I feel close to you. It _is_ different, more intimate, letting you have me like that. Vulnerable. But that's what I like about it, that I feel exposed but safe as well, that I know how much I trust you. I don't, I would never want you to do anything you don't want to do, but it bothers me that you're happy doing something to me that you don't want done to you. It bothers me that you don't have the same trust in me."

Julie sighed. "It's not about trust. At least, I don't think it is. It's about enjoyment."

"Do you think you wouldn't enjoy it?" Gill asked, genuinely curious. "Even though you like the others? I don't… Do you think I don't enjoy it when you fuck me? Do you think I'm just lying back and thinking of England, or something? It's not _passive_ , Julie. You call me greedy, and I am. Always have been, even when the sex was boring and scheduled for Thursday nights with the lights off. Responding to someone, telling them what to do and making sure you get what you want, that's an _active_ role. And it's even better with you. It feels fucking _good_ to be the centre of attention."

Julie's mouth pursed, she bit her bottom lip. "But if you like that and I like the other, what's the problem? If it works for us…"

"It's not a _problem_ , as such," Gill said, sighing herself. What was, then? She let herself think aloud again. "Sometimes I do want to take the lead, though, and I suppose I always just assumed you'd be open to that, whatever form it took. I _like_ how much attention you give me, and I know you're not always comfortable with lots of it yourself, but I suppose I do find it hard to understand, mostly because when you _do_ go for it you seem to really enjoy it. And it's an effort, you know? Trying not to feel selfish, feeling like I can't complain because, well, _I can't complain_. But maybe I can? Maybe 'I want to give you more orgasms' is a valid thing to say?" Gill surprised herself with her thoughts. She hadn't known _that_ was in there.

"Hm." Julie's breath came out as a thoughtful noise. She stared at her hands. "I've never thought about it that way before. Never thought you might want to give more. I _am_ open to that, I just don't know if I want… But I suppose it would be a step, wouldn't it? I guess I need… Give me some time?" She looked up at Gill again and her eyes were softer, serious.

Gill took a breath and it felt deep, satisfied enough for now. "All right," she said, and Julie reached for her, hesitated, then took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Can we go to bed now?" she asked, cautious but hopeful. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah," Gill agreed, answering both questions at once and offering Julie a little smile. Their unexpected conversation had made it later, and Gill knew Julie had an early start. "Let's sleep."

All of this was a steeper learning curve than she thought, even now, months in. She'd think she had a handle on it, or at least on her own feelings, but then the road would bend suddenly, unpredictably, and she'd have to change direction, adjust her thinking to stay on it. Obviously fewer social scripts meant more uncharted territory, and navigating it was more challenging than Gill had first expected.

Still, at least it was never boring.

oOo

It took Julie a week to get back to her, one of those tough ones where they barely saw each other. Julie worked several twelve hour days and appeared on the news three times between Monday and Wednesday, sending Gill vivid text message commentary about the petty annoyances of the job that Gill remembered well, but going straight home and falling into bed when the day was done. On Thursday Gill went to her place and cooked her a meal, but they ate it in front of the telly and didn't talk much, because Julie was too wiped for anything else. Even with everything she had on, Gill knew Julie wouldn't have forgotten their conversation. She had an extraordinary ability to keep many different things in her head, and was probably working on it in her spare moments just for something different to think about.

True to form, she raised the topic again on Saturday evening, when she'd had time to recover from her week and shed her Superintendent skin.

"I thought about what you said last week," she murmured, threading her fingers through Gill's hair, which was hanging down into her lap because Gill was using her thigh as a pillow. "And I think you're right."

"You do?" Gill asked, lifting her head gently so her hair wouldn't snag on Julie's fingers, but wanting to be upright for this conversation. Once up, she shifted in her seat to face Julie, who waited for her to settle before she answered.

"I'm sorry," she said, starting with something that surprised Gill completely. "I said some things the other night that must have sounded horrible. I…" She looked down at her hands, back up again. "I really hadn't ever thought about it before, about why I didn't like the idea of being on the receiving end of a strap-on. But I did this week, and I think most of my reasons were...well, problematic at best." She paused, took a deep breath. "I don't, I mean. I think there are plenty of lesbians out there who aren't into it and don't have problematic reasons, and there are maybe some that do, but that still doesn't mean it's not okay for them to say no. I think that's important."

"Okay," Gill said, nodding. The politics of all this was so new to her that she didn't _quite_ understand, but she supposed she did agree that anyone had a right to say no to something they didn't want to do, whatever their reasons. Respecting that was just basic decency.

Julie continued. "But I'm sorry if I managed to imply that you were, that being fucked was – God, that's not even the right _word_ , is it? Like here I am, a lesbian, implying that the only way to fuck someone is with a cock. _God_. Anyway, I thought about it, and I think you were right to challenge me on that – I was being an arse, and most of my opinions looked pretty gross when I put them under a magnifying glass. So I'm sorry about that, and I'll do better in future."

"Thank you," Gill said, offering a little smile.

Julie responded with one of her own. "It still freaks me out a little bit, but I'd like to get past that. I'd like _you_ to help me get past that. Because you're right, I _do_ like it when I let go, and I like it when you're all bossy and in charge, and I would like to let you be that way more, if that's important to you. And being the centre of attention sounds…it sounds good." The thought of it made her pink in the cheeks; her smile turned bashful. "And if it makes me vulnerable, well, I can be that with you." She looked it then, all shy new desire, so far from the authoritative police boss that she almost seemed a different person. But Gill saw that uncertainty disappear even as she watched, the innate bravery that Julie had – the kind that came from being honest with herself always – pushing forward to wash everything else away.

Gill didn't know what to say, felt awed by it, warm and tight in the chest from watching that transformation, knowing that it was because of her, that Julie would examine herself and change her mind about something, even discover new parts of herself, _for her_. It made Gill feel both small and large at the same time, because she was just a speck in the scheme of things, in a lifetime of input and learning and assumptions and beliefs, and yet Julie lifted her up above all that and made her – her input, her questions, her thoughts – the most important thing in the world.

Gill leaned forward and kissed her, good and proper, eyes fluttering closed, one hand slipping up to cup Julie's cheek and the other reaching for her wrist. "I like being greedy," Gill murmured when they parted. "I like the way we are, what we've already found. I don't want to give that up. But I'd like it to feel more balanced, like I'm not being _selfish_ all the time. That is important to me. It doesn't have to be the cock, though, if that worries you." Gill let her thumb trace over Julie's wrist. It felt important to say that, to give her the out. They could think of other ways.

But Julie shook her head, smiling. "No. I think it'll be good. Something new, something different. Something solid."

Gill snorted, trying not to laugh at Julie's obviously unintended pun but feeling suddenly twelve. "Well, I suppose that does fit the bill, then."

"Oh, shut up," Julie muttered, cheeks turning red as Gill fought to control her shaking belly, but unable to hide her own widening smile. She kept her composure, though, and after a moment Gill's mirth faded to a glowing warmth.

"Seriously though," she said, letting the warmth settle in her belly and suffuse her limbs. "Only if you're sure."

"I'm sure," Julie said, and her eyes were smiling as much as her mouth.

"Okay," Gill whispered, suddenly kind of blown away again.

Julie gazed at her, still smiling, and they let that sense of new desire and nebulous want hang between them for a moment, seeping into their equilibrium and nudging it in new directions that they didn't have words for yet. It felt warm and large, full of possibilities, and Gill watched Julie bear it with curious eyes and steady shoulders.

"I have two caveats," Julie said, when it seemed she'd had her fill of the moment.

"Oh?" Gill asked, mouth twitching again, eyebrow arching.

Julie waited a beat. "You're buying your own cock," she said, deadpan. "And it's not allowed to be as big as mine."

Gill didn't even try to contain her laughter at that one.

oOo

Gill gazed at herself in the mirror and she felt very powerful indeed.

Her cock was black, modestly sized but solid, and she felt very comfortable in it now, relaxed and ready. It hadn't always felt this way, though, and as she looked at herself in the mirror – at the confident line of her shoulders, the self-satisfied jut of her chin – she thanked God, or Sappho, or someone, at least, for the advice of the saleswoman who'd sold it to her.

That had certainly been an experience. Julie had offered to go with her to the store, but Gill had declined, in part because buying one's first cock had seemed like some sort of queer lady rite of passage to be experienced on one's own, and in part because in the beginning, at least, she'd thought it would be a simple process.

Her first ten steps into the store had divested her of that foolish notion. When she'd found the correct section, she had been overwhelmed by the variety of devices on display – sizes, shapes, colours, harnesses with thin straps or thick, some with pockets for vibrating bullets and some without, designs that ranged from plain to ornate. She'd almost walked out then and there, deciding that she could do some research on the internet and then ask someone who wasn't Sammy how one went about clearing one's search history.

But before she could walk away, she'd been approached by young, pleasantly friendly young woman who'd asked her if she needed some help. Gill had admitted immediately that she did, and, quenching her discomfort at the thought of talking about her sex life with a stranger, had told the woman that this was her first time buying one of these, and that she had no idea where to even start.

"Well, is your partner male or female?" the woman had asked. "Is this for vaginal or anal sex?" Gill had stuttered out, shocked, that her partner was a woman and they would be having vaginal sex, brain reeling with the realisation that there must be _men_ who were into this too. She'd been so busy imagining what the reactions of her various male partners would have been if she'd ever suggested it to them that she'd only barely grasped the reason for the immediate ruling out of some of the more noodle-like appendages. It was something about beginners and stretching that had sounded a bit messy, and Gill had found herself imagining Dave in particular losing his mind over the implication that he might enjoy such a thing. Of the others, Gill thought Chris may have been more amenable, but interestingly, she found she wouldn't have _expected_ any of them to be, and if they'd said no she certainly wouldn't have asked them why. It was all academic, of course – Gill was confident that Julie's reconsideration was based on genuine desire – but it made her realise that the politics of the issue were far from simple.

The assistant's next question, about Julie's experience, had pulled Gill from her reverie, prompting her to explain where they were in that regard, and to repeat Julie's joke about Gill's cock not being allowed to be bigger than hers. The sales lady had laughed obligingly, then explained that actually it wasn't terribly unusual for lesbians who hadn't experienced much in the way of penetrative sex to need something a little smaller, at least to start with. Gill had marvelled at that while also being completely unsurprised – it was just like Julie to wrap the genuine expression of her needs around a joke.

From there, the rest had been fairly simple. Gill had chosen the items that pleased her most aesthetically from within the parameters of the saleswoman's recommendations, and then it was all being bagged up and paid for.

"It's best to try it out by yourself first before you use it with your partner," the woman had said as she sealed up the bag. "It's very different, wearing something, and the more used to it you get the more confident you'll be. Try it on when you're alone, see how it feels and how it moves. Do something completely mundane in it like cleaning the kitchen; just get a feel for it. Like breaking in a new pair of shoes. Some people like to masturbate in them, see what feels good. There are bullets and things if you find friction alone isn't enough. You can come back if you have questions, too; we're always happy to help." Endlessly grateful, Gill had thanked the woman as profusely as dignity would allow.

She'd tried all of the suggestions since. The first time she'd put her cock on, she'd felt ridiculous, wrapping her hand around it and standing there feeling like Sammy had looked when he was two and discovered his for the first time. Walking around the room with it jutting out in front of her had felt even sillier, like being a peacock with his feathers on display. But gradually it had begun to feel more familiar and a part of her, and she started to understand the way it moved in response to her. She felt like an arse when she scrubbed the shower with it on, but that was different again from walking, and by the time she was done she felt almost like a bloke, sweaty and red and masculine.

Masculine. The more comfortable she got in it, the more she felt that way. When she finally masturbated with it, the feeling was overwhelming – glancing at herself in her bedroom mirror afterwards, sprawled and uncaring in her chair. She looked quite boyish in it, too, with her small breasts and narrow hips and the harness changing the shape of her waist. Thing was, Gill didn't _want_ to look masculine – had never wanted to, was quite attached to her femininity.

She'd taken care of that now, gazed at herself in the mirror with satisfaction. This lingerie set was more feminine than most of the underwear she owned – black and lacy, a half-cup bra, matching knickers with decorative suspenders that stretched down her thighs to hold up a pair of sheer black stockings. Her cock harnessed over the top of it all gave her a delicious thrill, its rigid weight in her hand against the silky feel of her legs and the soft scratch of lace. Yes, she was very pleased with this.

"Gill?" Julie's voice in the hall.

"In here," Gill called, trying to sound as casual as possible, masking the thrill of anticipation that suddenly surged through her. She turned toward the sound of Julie's voice as it came toward her.

"You're not in bed, are you? I hope you didn't forget that you asked me round tonight, you dozy retired… _Oh_."

Julie stopped dead as she came through the doorway. Her face went from animated to wide-eyed and still as she took in the sight of Gill, lips parting slightly as her jaw slackened, hand absently reaching for the doorknob as her shoulders loosened. "Holy shit," she rasped.

Gill smiled. "Hi," she greeted, positively basking in Julie's stunned surprise, turning more fully to face her and wondering at the picture she must have created, standing here with her back to the mirror. She watched Julie swallow and flick her tongue out to wet her lips and thought it must be quite the sight.

"I… Hello," Julie stammered, taking a lurching step forward then bringing herself up with her hand on the doorknob, visibly gathering her wits. "Fucking hell. Almost forgot how my legs worked for a second there."

Gill laughed, a sound that turned suddenly nervous at the end, because Julie was obviously overwhelmed but what she hadn't done yet was smile, and Gill was suddenly concerned that this might be too much at once, wearing the thing, her intentions written right into the air. Would it have been better to go a bit slower? "Is this a lot?" she asked.

Julie did smile then, gave a helpless laugh, taking another step forward on legs that were steadier now. "It is," she agreed, closing the distance between them as Gill moved to meet her in the middle, "but not in a bad way." Her fingers landed on the bare skin above Gill's hip. "I like it. You just have this effect on me, that's all." Sliding her hand around to Gill's back, she pulled her in close and kissed her. Gill's cock pressed into her thigh, squashing up between them, and Gill felt Julie's breath shudder out of her as their kiss broke. "Jesus," she whispered.

Gill slid a hand between them and up to curl around Julie's shoulder, the other finding its way to the edge of the leather jacket she always threw on after work, toying with the zipper as she studied Julie's face. "Are you ready for this?" she asked. "Is today a good day?"

Julie met her gaze and she looked nervous but warm, all tiny smile and big eyes. "This wasn't quite how I imagined my day ending when I left work," she said, and her smile twisted across her face and grew. "But yes, I'm ready."

Gill felt her own smile widen, fisted her hand in Julie's jacket and tugged her down. "Good," she murmured, and kissed her again.

She shed Julie's jacket as they kissed, pushing it off her shoulders and hearing the heavy rumple as it fell to the floor. Canting her head up to keep their lips in contact, she caught Julie's waist and steered her in the direction of the bed, backing her up and sucking at her bottom lip. Her hands were reaching for the buttons of Julie's shirt when Julie stopped them, planting her weight in opposition and bringing Gill up short.

Julie's fingers slid into Gill's hair, tugged her head back, took a good long time on another kiss. "Just go slow, okay," she whispered after, eyes finding Gill's. "Is this the first time you've worn it?"

Gill backed off, let her hands fall flat against Julie's body instead of grasping, took a moment to hold her. "I've been practising," she said, "wearing it around during the day. We know each other quite well now; almost forgot I had it on the other day. Seconds away from opening the door to the postman."

Julie laughed, and Gill took the moment of levity to ease her back another step, which she allowed. "I'm not in a hurry," Gill assured, leaning up to press her lips against Julie's jaw and whisper into her ear. "Going to take my time with this, I promise. Want to fuck you properly." She felt Julie quiver in response to her words and eased her back another step. Desire tingled through Gill from her thighs to the tips of her fingers. If Julie was this overcome by mere _words_ , how would she be when they really got going? But she forced herself slow, kept her movements measured.

They reached the edge of the bed in a dance, back and forth with kisses exchanged and hands sliding over arms and backs. When Julie's legs finally butted against the mattress, Gill caught her, kept her upright as she returned her attention to Julie's shirt. She took her time with it, tugging it loose from her trousers then plucking buttons and studying the contrast of Julie's flushing skin against the jade green fabric and the navy blue bra beneath it.

Looking up at Julie again, she smiled. "Look at you, all pink already." Predictably, drawing attention to it made Julie's flush spread, rising into her cheeks and prompting a bashful smile to match.

"Think I've changed my mind," Julie murmured, chuckling sheepishly. "I might explode if you drag this out."

Gill noted it, Julie's intense presence, the shaky breath that came out of her. She was always this way when she wasn't in control, when she wasn't the one kissing or undressing or sliding her fingers into knickers. But relishing that was part of the joy of surrender, and that was what Gill had promised to show her. It wouldn't work without pushing her limits a little bit.

She reached for Julie's wrist. "Isn't that why we're here?" she asked, turning Julie's hand over to unclasp her cufflink. She palmed the little thing then reached for Julie's other wrist and repeated the action, letting her words hang in the air as she took her time with it. Afterward, she took in her handiwork with a smile – Julie all unbuttoned and disheveled – then gave over, moving away to deposit the cufflinks on the dressing table and allowing Julie a moment to compose herself.

It seemed to work. When Gill turned back, Julie had shed her shirt and was loosening her belt buckle, having toed her shoes off and kicked them away. She pushed her trousers down as Gill watched, stepped out of them, then stood there all bared in her underwear looking desperate for a touch.

Gill obliged. Returning, she curled an arm around Julie's neck and kissed her again, long and slow, pressing her hips into Julie's so her cock rubbed up between them again, giving her a nudge back toward the bed. They fell onto it, crawling up together until they found a spot where they were both comfortable, Gill straddling Julie's hips and Julie's hands sliding up Gill's back. Brushing Julie's hair away from her throat, Gill's lips descended onto it, rocking her hips and feeling her cock slide against Julie's knickers. Julie groaned and Gill performed the movement again, rubbing against her, kissing her way around Julie's throat and reflecting that the practice had paid off, at least to a point. She knew how to move in the thing to make it do what she wanted, but no amount of preparation could have made her realise how important Julie's responses were. Gill could feel where the cock was, knew it must be rubbing against Julie through her knickers, but it wasn't like having her hand or even her thigh down there - she couldn't feel Julie twitching, could only tell she was hitting the mark because Julie was telling her.

"Keep doing that," Gill murmured, giving another thrust as she lifted her head, slid her hand around Julie's back and urged her up so she could get at her bra. "Keep letting me know what feels good."

Julie shifted, half-sitting so Gill could reach around and unclip her bra. They became a tangle of limbs for a moment as Gill got it off her, then Julie was smiling, finding her head level with Gill's breasts and holding herself up, curling her free hand around Gill's back again to pull her close.

"All of it feels good," she murmured, pressing her cheek against Gill's breast. "You feel good." She turned her head and opened her mouth against the lacy edge of Gill's bra, finding her nipple through the fabric and sucking on it. It was delicious, the feel of Julie's wet mouth against the rasping fabric, and when Julie's fingers reached for the bra clasp at her back Gill found she didn't want it gone, wanted to stay just as she was, all lace and stockings and cock.

"Leave it on," she said, voice coming out an order, and Julie looked up at her, eyes flashing with naked heat before she growled and complied, leaving the clasp alone but diving for Gill's other breast, nipping at the lace and dragging it down just enough to half-expose Gill's nipple, closing her mouth over that and sucking until Gill was whining in pleasure, cunt twitching as the lace scraped her and Julie's soft tongue slid across the spot she'd bared.

" _Fuck_ ," Gill whispered when Julie's teeth came down on her, a nip just this side of painful. Lifting her head, Julie grinned, and it set a fire in Gill's belly. Determined, she reached out and caught the wrist Julie was using to hold herself up, tugging it free and causing Julie to topple back with a laugh.

Gill didn't relinquish her wrist, caught the other one reaching for her and pinned them both to the bed, feeling her own smile turn feral as she hovered over Julie.

"You're far too cheeky for my liking," she said, feeling the fire in her belly licking up her sides, heating her blood. "Too smug by half." She tested her grip on Julie's wrists, more for show than anything else. Julie could break it in an instant if she wanted to; Gill's hands were nowhere near strong enough to hold her in truth. She pushed back a little now, just enough to test it, just enough to let Gill know she liked the game. "My turn," Gill declared, holding fast to Julie's wrists as she lowered her head.

She kept them secure as long as she could, sacrificing her fingers and using her mouth as she moved from jawline to throat, from shoulders to breasts, spending some time paying attention to them before sliding back and kissing her way down across Julie's stomach, pulling Julie's hands with her as she went and keeping them pinned to the covers. Julie grew more restless with every kiss. At first it was just her fingers twitching, then the rise and fall of her chest as her breath became heavier, giving way to encouraging murmurs and then frustrated whining. By the time Gill reached the waistband of her knickers, Julie's belly was quivering at even the lightest touch, legs writhing inside the cage of Gill's thighs and hands straining almost enough to break free.

Gill looked up. Julie was shaking, flushed pink all over, hair-mussed and wild. She looked beautiful, lost and dazed, and Gill loved it. She loved being able to do that, reduce Julie's ever-present mind to a mess of need and sensation. She loved that Julie trusted her enough to give her this and had opened herself up to even more.

This didn't have to be the end of it. Gill looked down at the sight in front of her, at Julie stretched and shaking, all fluttering eyelashes and trembling thighs, and she wondered what would happen if she just _kept going_ , delaying gratification and pushing Julie right to the edge of her senses. What would that look like? What would it do?

But that wasn't what they'd agreed on. It wasn't something they'd discussed. Julie was giving over quite enough of herself as it was, tonight, and Gill wouldn't tease her beyond her limits. Turning Julie's hands over, she pressed them palm-down against the covers and released them. Immediately, Julie's hands – so often preoccupied with reaching and touching – fisted in the covers, and that was as much of a sign as any of how far gone she was. Gill had definitely pushed her far enough.

Shifting to the side, Gill curled her fingers under the waistband of Julie's knickers, easing them off when she lifted her hips and then maneuvering one of her legs so she could settle between them. Gill's hands gripped Julie behind the knees, spreading her thighs and raking a long look over Julie's body – flushed and panting but suddenly still – before she brought her palm up to cover Julie's cunt. Julie sighed in relief when Gill touched her, mewling a little when Gill worked her fingers over slick skin to spread her wet and ease a little bit of that frustration. The cycle began again as Gill's hand worked, breath going from steady to ragged as Gill stroked, slipped fingers in and out, getting Julie as ready as she could.

Still touching, she crawled up Julie's body again, leaning close to kiss her as she reached for the tube of lube on the bedside table, taking a moment to check in. "You good?" she asked, mouth close. "You with me?"

Julie struggled for a moment to find her voice, but when she did she said, "Yeah, I'm here. I'm ready."

Pleased, Gill kissed her again, then shifted back, uncapping the tube and squeezing some of the liquid into her hand, warming it for a moment before she slicked Julie up, then drizzling some more over her cock, taking a firm hold of it and spreading the wet. Julie watched as Gill shifted to position herself, one hand curled around Julie's thigh and the other wrapped around the base of her cock.

She let the tip of it glide over Julie's cunt, holding it firm and sliding it between her folds. It was quite a sight, her cock spreading Julie open like that – enough to get lost in. But now wasn't the time for that, now Gill looked up again. "All right?" she asked, searching Julie's face.

She looked vulnerable and open, nervous but needy, as if she suddenly understood all the feelings Gill had described when she'd talked about being fucked. It looked large on her face for a moment, almost overwhelming, but Gill waited, watched her push her own limits, and a moment later she seemed to get there. Her eyes fixed on Gill, drank her in, then the muscles in her thigh suddenly relaxed in Gill's hand. "All right," Julie whispered, and Gill smiled, nodded, bizarrely proud.

Dropping her gaze, Gill eased herself in, guiding her cock with her hand until it was deep enough that she had to let go, curling her fingers around Julie's thigh then and sheathing herself to the hilt. When she was flush with Julie's body she let out a breath of her own, looked up again. She felt suddenly closer despite having only moved forward about five inches; they were together in a way they'd never been before.

"Angle okay?" she asked, feeling breathless, and Julie nodded, voiceless herself.

Slowly, Gill began to move. It was strange at first, very new – yet another thing the practice hadn't prepared her for was how it actually felt to fuck someone, the force and the rhythm necessary and the way her body needed to move in this specific way. She moved too little, then too much, almost slipping out then pushing back in perhaps a tad too forcefully, if the way Julie's hand jerked was anything to go by. "Steady," she breathed, and Gill, a little too overcome for words, simply nodded. She held fast to Julie's legs and found the middle, a sort of undulating roll of the hips that pushed her in and pulled her back in the same motion.

"Mm, that feels good," Julie murmured, one hand releasing the duvet cover and lifting up to rake her hair out of her face before falling beside her, fingers curling as she lifted her own hips just slightly, pushing back against Gill and testing her, a little exertion of will.

Gill caught it and smiled, kept going, finding a rhythm and a motion Julie seemed to like, relaxing into it and taking the time to enjoy. The sight of her cock moving in and out of Julie was amazing, and the way her head was arching back into the pillow beautiful, all spread out and decadent and responsive. She wasn't passive, though, had clearly taken Gill's advice to heart. When she pushed back against Gill's thrusts, the movement ground the base of the cock into Gill's clit and ensured that she wasn't missing out, that there was plenty of friction for her to enjoy.

"More," Julie whispered, and Gill realised that she _could_ increase the pace, did, gripping Julie's thighs tighter and going harder too, varying the rhythm a little by grinding her hips into Julie's and holding for a moment, making a little circular motion that made Julie growl in approval. Her eyes fluttered open and closed, one hand gripped the duvet even tighter and the other found her own breast, squeezing it to the rhythm of Gill's thrusts. It was fucking gorgeous, watching her let go, watching her give in to her own pleasure so completely. Gill felt her own heat rising but it was nothing to how powerful she felt in that moment, heady with it, wild.

" _More_ ," Julie demanded again, managing a few extra words. "Need your fingers on my clit, and _more, please_."

Gill gave it to her. Bending Julie's legs back, Gill leaned over her, planting one hand on the covers and pushing in harder and faster still, reaching back with her other hand to slide it between them and find Julie's clit. Her muscles were screaming, but it felt good for her too, enough to keep her moving, driving into Julie with all the force she could muster. Far better, though, was the sight of Julie arching beneath her, eyes closed and head bent back, fingers clutching at her breast. Gill wanted to lean forward, grab that nipple in her mouth and suck, but she didn't trust her arm, locked in place and trembling with exertion. Didn't think she could spare the air, either – her own breath was as laboured as Julie's, though in a different way.

 _Come_ , her mind commanded, though she didn't have the voice for it, didn't know how much longer she could keep this up. In the next moment, though, Julie's eyes were open again, looking at her like she'd spoken aloud, and Gill smiled, an expression that felt every bit as wild and exhausted as the rest of her.

Julie's hand flailed up from the covers, caught Gill's shoulder, and then she was shaking, legs trembling against Gill's skin and hips arching. Her whole back followed them, strung like a bow, and her breath rushed out of her in a strangled cry.

When she fell back, she looked boneless, every muscle drooping except for the tired little smile on her mouth. Gill had a moment to enjoy it, to admire her and feel a sense of smug satisfaction as her hips stilled, but then she realised how badly she was shaking, and she let herself fall back heavily to her knees. She took hold of Julie's leg with a trembling hand and reached for the base of her cock. It slid out of Julie with a wet slurp, and Gill had the presence of mind to admire it, glistening and satisfied, before she fell heavily against Julie's knees and closed her eyes.

When she eventually opened them again, she found Julie looking at her, eyes warm and full of admiration. "You look exhausted," she murmured. "Did you come?"

Gill shook her head. "No, but it doesn't matter." Getting herself there had been the last thing on her mind, concentrating as she had been on keeping her body moving. Far more important to get Julie off, to do what she'd promised and show Julie how good it could be.

But the look in Julie's eyes said she wasn't having Gill's dismissal, that she was through with being the greedy one. "Come up here," she said, reaching out, and Gill gave in, mustering her strength again to move.

"Up," Julie said again, when Gill was straddling her waist, reaching out and catching her thighs when she shuffled higher, sliding her hands over Gill's silky stockings and urging her on until her knees were astride Julie's head, backside resting back lightly on her chest. "You look like you near wrecked yourself for me," she said, eyes full of that giving care again. "Least I can do is get you off." Her fingers were sliding along the strap of the harness, urging Gill's hips up, and when she rose she felt it shifted aside. Julie tugged at the edge of her knickers as well, fingers burrowing in, sliding against her cunt and spreading her wet. At the same time, her other hand curled around Gill's thigh and wrapped itself around her cock.

Gill hadn't realised just how wet she was, just how much she wanted an orgasm of her own, but when Julie's fingers slipped into her she gasped, and it turned to a whimper when Julie fisted her cock, grinding the base back against her clit. Julie watched her for a moment as she repeated the movements, then smiled. "Up," she said again. "Grab the headboard."

Gill did as she was told, shifted again, thighs trembling, reaching for the bed head to steady herself as Julie urged her up and then down again, using her fingers to hold the harness strap and knickers aside and and directing Gill onto her mouth.

Gill sank down with a sigh as Julie's tongue touched her, as her jaw worked and her mouth opened and she sucked on Gill's cunt. It felt almost cool, her mouth – Gill hadn't realised how _hot_ she was – gentle and slick and soothing. At the same time, Julie's hand worked, blind, wanking her cock against her clit in the most delicious dichotomy.

" _Fuck,_ " Gill whispered, working her hips, not sure where to press – down into Julie's mouth against the softness of her tongue, or forward into the rough grind of her cock on her clit. She managed both, rolling her hips in a tiny echo of the moves she'd performed earlier, only now Julie's mouth was there all she had to do was rock.

" _God_." She was rising fast, arching her neck, already half-gone from earlier and not even realising, shaky and desperate. Julie's hand wasn't quite doing it, though, couldn't quite find the rhythm she'd managed when she'd got herself off with her cock. Dropping one hand from the headboard, Gill looked down, curling her fingers around Julie's and directing her, finding just the right speed and angle and helping Julie hit it, both their hands jerking off the cock still sticky with Julie's wet.

 _There, yes_. With Julie's tongue in her cunt and both their hands working her cock, it didn't take Gill long. Her hips rolled, her thighs trembled, she rose up and burst, mind shattering, head falling back as everything turned white and silent.

When she returned, Julie was easing her back, first to her chest then further, catching her as she rose. Gill could barely move, was little more than a ragdoll in Julie's arms as Julie sat up with her, held her, began the task of stripping her of her clothes. The bra went first, its removal not even a question at this point, and then Gill found herself laid back, head on the pillows as Julie went to work on the cock and harness, her knickers and suspenders, and finally the stockings, peeled down over her legs with strong hands. Belatedly, it occurred to Gill that _she_ should be the one taking care of Julie, making sure that this very new experience had been a good one for her, but she was exhausted, every muscle in her body heavy, and it was all she could do to move when she was directed and allow herself to be stripped.

Finally, when Gill was bare, Julie collapsed beside her, gathered her up, brushed her hair back from her face and kissed her, cupping Gill's face in her hand.

"I should...should be holding you," Gill murmured, smiling, sliding a tired hand onto Julie's hip and leaving it there.

Julie chuckled, kissed her again. "You can hold me if you want, but you always push yourself harder than you push me, so."

"Do I?" Gill asked, surprised. She thought she'd done fairly well tonight, testing Julie's limits while staying within them, and Julie did seem satisfied. But Gill remembered that moment of _what if_ she'd hung on – had Julie felt it too? Might having her limits pushed further be something she would like in future?

"You did good," Julie assured her, misinterpreting the question. Laughed. "Did wonderfully," she amended, mouth a soft smile.

"You liked being the centre of attention, then?" Gill asked, leaving that other thought alone for the time being, storing it for later.

"I did," Julie agreed, stroking Gill's cheek. Tender and honest, she looked, even more present than usual. "I never imagined I could feel that open, that in touch with what I wanted. It _was_ different, like I'd thought, but in the good way, like you said. Also, I never imagined how you'd _look_." That last was said with some amusement, and Gill guessed she was referring not just to how Gill had looked while fucking her, but to the whole getup.

Gill smiled. "I felt too mannish, just in the cock. Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't, but I liked the mix."

Julie laughed. "Oh, I'm not complaining. Nearly passed out when I saw you; you looked like a dominatrix. Even more when you wouldn't take it off." She quirked a brow. "Maybe you should add a riding crop for next time."

Gill felt something flutter in her belly at that, the thought far from unwelcome. "Would you like that?" she asked, surprised that their conversation had veered back to the thought she'd shelved.

Julie's eyes sparkled. "Maybe I would. It's definitely a nice image. More of a thought for later, though, when I'm not so tired."

"Okay," Gill agreed, and left it with her, knowing that she'd carry it in her head for the next week or month, working on it in her downtime as a way to hold Gill above the other things in her thoughts. It was nice to know that, that she was always there, that Julie kept her present even when they were apart. It was refreshing to be with someone who was as committed as she was to keeping their relationship interesting and dynamic. "But you definitely want to do this again?" she asked, just to be clear.

"Yes," Julie answered, lips curling wryly, touching Gill's hips. "Though probably not tomorrow. You are going to be _sore_ tomorrow."

"Maybe a shower together in the morning, then," Gill suggested, "so you can kiss it better." It wouldn't do for her to completely give up on being greedy, after all.

Julie laughed. "Bet on it," she agreed. "You can even think of England, if you want."

Gill grinned. "Only if I get to be the Queen."

They lay there then, quiet and warm, just holding each other in the cooling air.


End file.
